My word of the year 2023 has been confidence. It’s not that I don’t like myself, but I am awfully hard on myself and tend to focus on my flaws. There is also a feminine side that I squashed down as a child to better fit in with my two older brothers. I also panic in social situations, and these are things I wanted to improve.

What is confidence? I heard it phrased once as trust in yourself, and I think that fits well. I don’t have a lot of trust in myself – I’m always saying I’ll do things and never follow through.

Another quote states that true confidence is “the freedom to fail and the expectation that our relationships wont be damaged,” which is more forgiving.

Another prespective I heard was “making yourself look your best.” Not perfect, not the best, but your best.

So I am on a journey to regulate my emotions to better handle the panic attacks when I am out in public. I am researching different seretonin enhancing behaviours that are proven mood stabilzers, such as yoga, time spent in nature, sun exposure, and cold showers. I’m also trying to feel good about myself and the body I’m in. Since I want to improve my posture, I may take a ballet class. To learn how to apply makeup, I might get a makeover at Sephora. Both of these activities make me hugely nervous and vulnerable, but are terrific learning opportunities.

I am also trying to manage the panic attacks through exposure. While my previous tendency was to mouse off and avoid a coffee shop, I now force myself to go in, make eye contact w/ server, take deep breathes, and sit and drink a little before I escape.